When Love Finds Me Again

There’s this trend on TikTok about “When love finds me again…”

I made my version of it recently.

At first, it was just supposed to be a collection of pictures and little thoughts about what I hope love looks like whenever it finds its way back into my life.

But somewhere between choosing the photos and writing the words, I realized I wasn’t really describing my dream relationship.

I was describing the person I’ve become.

At 30, love looks different to me.

I don't want something I have to constantly chase, question, prove, or perform for.

I hope it feels like peace—not something I have to chase.

And maybe that's the biggest difference between the way I once thought about love and the way I think about it now.

I Hope He Loves the Story That Came Before Him

There are versions of me he'll never get to meet.

The younger me.

The awkward me.

The me who was still figuring out who he was.

The me who made mistakes.

The me who dreamed about a life that looks completely different from the one I'm living now.

The me who hadn't experienced some of my greatest adventures—or some of my hardest days.

I hope he loves every version of me—even the ones he never got the chance to meet.

Because every one of those versions helped create the person he'll eventually know.

There was an entire life before him.

A story that made me who I am.

And I don't want someone who only loves the finished picture. I want someone who appreciates all the brushstrokes that created it.

I Hope We Have Fun Doing Absolutely Nothing

Listen.

I love an adventure.

But every date doesn't need reservations, matching outfits and an itinerary.

I hope some of our favorite dates are just snacks, movies, blankets and absolutely no plans.

Although, knowing me, there's a pretty good chance that I'll say, “Let's grab something quick,” and somehow we'll end up making an entire experience out of it.

Because that's me.

Dinner can become an adventure.

A random drive can become a memory.

A quick drink can turn into hours of conversation.

And I hope we celebrate all of it.

The little things, too—not just birthdays, anniversaries and milestones.

I want us to understand that sometimes the moments we remember forever don't look important while they're happening.

Sometimes they're just ordinary Tuesdays.

And I hope ordinary Tuesdays with him somehow become memories worth keeping.

There Is One Non-Negotiable…

October.

I need him to understand something very early in this relationship:

Halloween is a lifestyle, not a month.

I hope he loves Halloween.

But if he doesn't?

I hope he loves me enough to understand.

There will be horror movies.

There will be costumes.

There will probably be something Scream-related somewhere.

He has been warned.

Loving Me Probably Comes With a Boarding Pass

Home has always meant something a little different to me.

Sometimes home is a place.

Sometimes it's people.

Sometimes it's a ship.

Sometimes it's wherever my suitcase happens to be sitting.

I've fallen in love with seeing what's beyond the place I'm standing.

So…

I hope he knows loving me probably comes with a boarding pass.

Because my heart will probably always live somewhere between home and the next adventure.

I don't want someone who asks me to stop exploring the world so we can build a life together.

I want someone who understands that exploring the world is part of the life I'm building.

And I want the same freedom for him.

I Don't Want Him Following My Dreams

This one matters.

I hope he has dreams of his own—big ones.

I don't want someone whose entire identity becomes our relationship.

And I don't want mine to become that either.

I don't want him following my dreams.

I want us building ours side by side.

I want him to challenge me—not to become someone different, but to keep becoming who I said I wanted to be.

And when his dreams require sacrifices, changes, uncomfortable decisions or leaps of faith, I want to be standing beside him saying, Go.

Because…

I hope we never have to choose between loving each other and becoming who we're meant to be.

That's the kind of partnership I want.

Two complete people.

Two lives.

Two sets of dreams.

One relationship.

Choose Me Without Consuming Me

I used to think being deeply in love meant wanting to spend every possible second together.

I don't anymore.

I hope we can have lives outside of each other and still choose each other at the end of the day.

Go hang out with your friends.

I'll hang out with mine.

Go chase your passion.

I'll chase mine.

Take some time for yourself.

Sometimes I'll need mine too.

Because there are moments when I get quiet.

And…

I hope he understands that sometimes I need quiet—not distance.

Not every silence means something is wrong.

Sometimes I just need space to hear myself think.

And I want him to feel safe enough to ask for that same thing.

Please Don't Ask Me to Be Smaller

I'm a lot of things.

I'm a dreamer.

I'm an overthinker.

I'm an entertainer.

I'm a homebody.

I'm a traveler.

Sometimes I'm the loudest person in the room.

Sometimes I don't want to talk at all.

Sometimes I want a crowd, a microphone and music.

Sometimes I want a blanket, food and absolutely nobody bothering me.

They're all TJ.

I hope he sees the dreamer, the overthinker, the entertainer, the homebody, the traveler—and realizes they're all me.

I don't want to edit myself into something easier to love.

I hope he never makes me feel like I have to shrink the loud, soft, complicated parts of myself to be loved.

I've spent too much of my life becoming comfortable with the person in the mirror to start apologizing for him now.

And More Than Anything…

This was the last thought in my TikTok.

And maybe it's the most important one.

Because people meet different versions of us.

Some people know the professional version.

Some know the social-media version.

Some know the funny version.

Some know the confident version.

Some know the person who can walk into a room, grab a microphone and entertain everybody in it.

But underneath all of that is just a person.

A person who gets nervous.

Who overthinks.

Who dreams ridiculously big.

Who sometimes needs reassurance.

Who loves hard.

Who gets excited about the smallest things.

Who wants adventure but also wants somewhere—and someone—that feels like home.

So when love finds me again…

I don't need him to fall in love with the image.

I don't need him to love the host.

I don't need him to love the personality.

I don't need him to fall in love with who everyone else gets to see.

I hope he loves TJ.

Just me.

And maybe that's what I mean when I say I hope love feels like peace.

I don't want to perform for it.

I don't want to chase it.

I don't want to convince it to stay.

I want to recognize it because, for once, being loved feels just as natural as being myself.

Until then?

I'm not waiting around.

I've got dreams to chase, places to see, memories to make, people to meet, food to eat, Halloween costumes to plan and probably another flight to catch.

Love can find me somewhere along the way.

Whatever you choose to do…

Do it with a smile.

Make new memories.

Embrace every adventure.

And until I see y'all…

CIAOOOOOO.